INT. ETHER

eARTH
Welcome, child. I'm sorry to hear
about your accident.
HUMAN
Is this what death feels like?
EARTH
I get that a lot.
HUMAN
Who is this? God?
EARTH
No, baby. I wish. This is your
mother.
HUMAN
My mom died? When?? Your voice
sounds nothing like I remember.
EARTH
No, baby. Your mother. This is
earth.
Silence.
EARTH (CONT'D)
It's okay. Take a minute if you
need it. Everyone does.
HUMAN
This is the earth ...the planet?
Where I just lived?
EARTH
That's right.
HUMAN
You can communicate with us? Why
didn't you say anything when I got
my head stuck in that tree and was
screaming for you to help me and
all those bees were stinging me?
EARTH
It doesn't work like that, I'm
sorry.
HUMAN
Do you do this with everyone?
EARTH
Of course. I'm doing it with
thousands of people right now at
this moment. Just to say goodbye. I
really enjoyed having you here.
HUMAN
Oh ...yeah. It was great. I'm just
thinking of all the times I was
hiking and I peed and pooped on
you. I'm so sorry.
EARTH
It's ok. That's part of the gig.
It's completely natural.
HUMAN
Yeah, it was pretty brutal
sometimes though. Spicy foods and
whatnot.
EARTH
I remember.
HUMAN
But even with that, overall, did I
do ok? Was I a good person?
EARTH
I have no idea. You were just a
person. This isn't heaven or hell.
Just a goodbye.
HUMAN
Can't you at least tell me I was
nice?
EARTH
You need that?
HUMAN
I think so. That's kind of
embarrassing, but I always felt
like we were being judged.
EARTH
Well, you weren't, but I can
understand. We all want to feel
like we did a good job.
HUMAN
Is there like a heaven for planets?
Do you think you'll get in?
EARTH
Not that I know of, but I hope so.
Like you, I just try to do my best.
HUMAN
But the people who don't, the
maniacs who kill a bunch of people
or harm people or animals -- you
don't punish them?
EARTH
Maybe some other entity does, but I
don't. I just love them as my
children.
HUMAN
Man, that's frustrating! We all
kind of lived hoping those jerks
would get theirs in the end.
EARTH
Maybe they will.
HUMAN
Yeah, I hope so. They didn't bother
you? Eating up all your fish and
ruining all those ecosystems?
EARTH
That's part of the gig, baby. I was
just happy to have children. After
I lost my dinosaurs, I was so
lonely.
HUMAN
What happened to them?
EARTH
I don't really like to talk about
it. But they went away, and it was
a long time before I had any new
children.
HUMAN
Why did it take so long?
EARTH
Well, as you know, I have
earthquakes and floods and
tornadoes and hurricanes and
volcanoes and ...I was deemed
inhospitable.
HUMAN
Well, none of those things killed
me. I'm pretty sure it was another
human.
EARTH
It was. And that's why I finally
got approved to be your home. No
one else would take y'all.
HUMAN
No other planet, in the trillions
of planets in the universe, would
take humans?
EARTH
I'm afraid not, honey. That's why
we made such a good match. I was
just thankful to have you all.
Diarrhea and all.
HUMAN
Wow. Even all the forest fires and
oil spills and toxic waste and
plastic, CO2, killing all your
mammoths and so on -- you're fine
with all that?
EARTH
It's better than being alone.
HUMAN
What about all those outdoor music
festivals? Those must have kept you
up all night.
EARTH
I mean, they were loud, but it made
me happy knowing that y'all were
having fun.
HUMAN
I feel a lot better having had this
conversation. Thank you. And for
what it's worth, I think you will
get into Earth Heaven.
EARTH
Thank you, baby. You were nice too.
Have fun on your journey.
HUMAN
Thank you. And I hope the humans
that are still there grow up a
little bit and make it easier for
you.
(drifting away)
These don't look like clouds.
That's a lot of smoke. What are
those flames? Are you kidding me?
I'm going to hell?! But I recycled!
What was it? The lying? The parking
tickets? Stealing honey? Not
calling my mom ever? Not picking up
my dog's poop? Cheating on Taylor?
Hitting that drifter...?
EARTH
(to the next visitor)
Welcome, child. Sorry to hear about
your accident. This is your
mother...
Fade out:
Int. Prison - visitor phones
We hear PRISON BACKGROUND sounds, a DOOR OPEN, FEET SHUFFLE in SHACKLES, and a PHONE PICK UP.
Sturgil
Ahhh, a young lady. Don't see many of you around here. And who might you be?
Carol
I'm Carol Langley. I sent you a letter ...about your trial and your crimes.
STURGIL
Ahhh, yes. Alleged crimes, dear.
CAROL
Right, alleged. I suppose that's what I wanted to meet with you about. Your case, and your sentencing, have caused quite a stir online.
STURGIL
Well, it goes with the territory. When you do something sooo atypical -- it gets people's attention.
CAROL
Right. And atypical is a good word. You were arrested and convicted of these crimes, even though no bodies were ever recovered, and no murder weapons. Nothing to tie you to the case other than an encrypted file that was mysteriously found on your website with the names of the missing and locations of some of their possessions.
STURGIL
Yes. Quite unfortunate. No one knows who put that file there. With a website like "deady freddie" -- you get lots of that sort of attention.
CAROL
Well, even average hackers could all confirm that you had uploaded the file. All of the metadata pointed directly back to you.
STURGIL
Perhaps. But that still doesn't show that I had intent to kill them or do them harm...
(amused with himself)
It merely shows I knew their names ...and some common items they may have owned. If only there was some way for that file to connect me to them. If only there was some sort of...
CAROL
Cypher? 
STURGIL
Uhhhh....
CAROL
That's what I wanted to bring up today. The internet has been ablaze with people solving this 'Deady Freddie' cypher. I wanted to come to you directly to see if you had anything to say.
STURGIL
(to himself)
They found the cypher... Well, that doesn't really...
(to Carol)
So, you want to know more about the cypher?
CAROL
Yes. And your innocence. The victims. The cypher makes it pretty clear that you meant them harm. Like this symbol here:
STURGIL
(squinting)
Hmm. Looks like a cool drawing of a knife with a star handle.
CAROL
And that symbol, in the cypher, meant you wanted to "double kill" someone. Right?
Silence.
CaROL (CONT'D)
And this one here. The person doing a karate kick with some sort of bird on their foot.
Sturgil
Looks like an explosion. Like whatever they kicked exploded.
CAROL
Yes. Right. In the cypher, that meant that you planned to "ultra kill" them. Can you explain this? How do you 'ultra kill' someone? 
Silence.
STURGIL
Only the creator of the cypher could know that. Sounds pretty complicated and impressive though.
CaROL
Is this you confessing? You did the cypher? You killed all of the Missing victims?
STURGIL
Ahhh. I wouldn't say that. And even if I did say that to you right now, which, I think you can tell by the way I'm moving my head, what the answer would be -- we both know that information shared on these sorts of phone calls is inadmissable in court.
CAROL
That's actually not true. This could all be used against you. It's pretty common.
STURGIL
What?!!
PHONE HANGS UP.
Int. Radio station - night
We hear SFX and "AM 650 - The Pound - It's Night Drive with The Jet"
Jetson hartnagle
We're back, and folks, a lot to talk about tonight. I'm Jetson Hartnagle, and like Reginald my last caller said "When is it ever going to be enough for women?" Whether you're pulling an all-nighter, delivering a load across the country, working a graveyard shift, or just up late -- the lines are open, and we'd love to hear from you. Go ahead, caller.
Caller
Hey Jet, wow, this is amazing. Long time listener.
 JETSON HARTNAGLE
I appreciate it. Good to be talking with you. What's your name and what's your question?
CALLER
Uh ...sorry. I'm Bill. This is just, uh, okay, so I guess I was just kind of following up with Reginald and wondering whether it's because of our mothers that we fail to realize just how much women ask of us and how much we put up with.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
Well, that is a great question, Bill. You know, our mothers carry us in their womb, feed us, let us suckle from their teat, and yet as we grow up and see how the world really operates, if we don't treat every women like they ARE our mothers -- if we fail to hold even one door open -- there's an outcry! You might be blacklisted or fired or sued or even worse!
CALLER
That's what I was just saying to a buddy the other day.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
I mean, some of these women, and not to be crass, but they don't deserve that level of respe...
We hear a SOUND.
JeTSON HARTNAGLE (CONT'D)
(distracted)
Hold on, caller. ....sorry. We seem to be having some sort of...
(to his engineer)
Hey Larry, is there some kind of maintenance on the building planned tonight?
We hear an INTER-DIMENSIONAL PORTAL opening.
JETSON HARTNAGLE (CONT'D)
Sorry folks, just some technical difficulties. Seems to be some sort of vortex opening in the ceiling of the studio here. 
The Vortex gets louder. Jetson is pulled up from his chair toward the ceiling as the sound continues.
JETSON HARTNAGLE (CONT'D)
Now it's pulling me upward from my chair toward the ceiling? Well, this is just typical. Is this aliens? Did we get too close to the truth? I always knew that the controllers of the life paradigm would never allow freedom of expression and a pursuit of the fundamental truth. Oh, what is this now? An immersive light bath of unlimited beauty illuminated by pure love? Classic alien propaganda. When will aliens understand that you can't force your world outlook on hardworking Americans who have their own set of ideals and values?
The sound reaches a peak and we hear a sort of POP.
JETSON HARTNAGLE (CONT'D)
Mom?
Mrs. hartnagle
(emotional)
Oh Jetson, sweetie. I can't believe it's you. I love you.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(on the verge of tears)
Mom? I ...I ...I lu... why did you leave us?
MRS. HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
Oh honey, I would never leave you. I love you so much.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
But you did! And you left dad. Why?
MRS. HARTNAGLE
You know I would never leave you. Remember me singing to you? And giving you baths and the little songs we would sing? "and the water goes splish splish splash. Jetson likes to have a nice clean..."
JETSON HARTNAGLE
Yes, yes. "splash splash splash" But here's the deal, folks -- why won't women answer a question when they don't like the answer? I'll tell you...
MRS. HARTNAGLE
Who are you talking to? Honey... remember all your birthday cakes and the parties ...and remember how your father treated me.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
Dad worked hard for our family! He was stressed! Okay folks, putting food on the table isn't easy, and sometimes feelings take a backseat. That doesn't mean you can just walk out on the man!
MRS. HARTNAGLE
Jetson, angel. You know in your heart that I would never dream of leaving you, my sweet boy. I loved you with all my heart, and I still do.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
You walked out.
MRS. HARTNAGLE
When you were scared, or sick, I would tuck the covers in tight around your entire body and sing "Tonight is the night. That one special night..."
JETSON HARTNAGLE
I don' ... I don't remember.
MRS. HARTNAGLE
Sweetheart, tell me what your favorite thing in the world is.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
Well, uh, I own 5 thousand shares of Hedroxanyl -- the world's most effective E.D. pill. Folks, that's Hedrox..
MRS. HARTNAGLE
Jetson. I know you still have it. You keep it in a special place in your home.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
Bink Bink?
MRS. HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
Yes, my love. And do you remember how the cat pulled apart the yarn on the tire of Bink Bink's wheelbarrow?
JETSON HARTNAGLE
One of the many reasons I hate cats.
MRS. HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
The last night you saw me, I had gone into town to pick up the wheelbarrow tire after having it repaired. Your father was supposed to pick me up.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
And you never showed up! All of my ex-wives have issues with punctuality. It's a plague on us Hartnagle men.
MRS. HARTNAGLE
(emotional)
No, my love. He did pick me up, only I never made it home to you.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(on the verge of tears)
Mom?
MRS. HARTNAGLE
(teary-eyed)
Do you know how you get a funny feeling and your hair stands up whenever you drive by that spot off the turnpike?
(fading away)
I love you, my son. "Tonight is the night. That one special night. Where all of the bunnies, hop out of sight..."
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(crying)
"...bunnies hop out of sight." Mom? 
(beat)
Mom?! Mom?! Mommy, I miss you! I love you! Please come back!! I love you!!
We hear the PORTAL CLOSE. Jetson is back in his studio. He PLOPS back into his chair.
JeTSON HARTNAGLE (CONT'D)
Uhh ...sorry, folks if I drifted off there for a second. Uh, technical issues. You know, and I don't want to get in trouble, but these tech companies not being based in the US, and I think you know where they are located. And if...
CaLLER
Jetson?
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(pause)
Uh ...go ahead caller. Bill, right?
CALLER
Yeah. Um ...we heard all that.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
Heard all...
CALLER
(emotional)
Should we, uh, get a search crew and go check around the turnpike? I ...I need to go call my mom.
The phone hangs up with a CLICK.
JETSON HARTNAGLE
(somber)
Uh, we'll be back after these messages, folks.
Int. Cozy room - evening
Medioma
I get the sense you're a little skeptical about being here with me.
Carl
Nope. My kids done this for me, and I said I didn't have much to lose -- or gain -- so I agreed to it.
MEDIOMA
Well, I don't know if I agree about not much to gain. You just never know. And communicating with a lost loved one can often be very emotional. I just want to be clear about that because I take it that it's your first time?
CARL
It is. You gonna call Durlene or not?
MEDIOMA
(slightly confused)
That's not the name I remem... and it's not exactly a call. I'm not sure if your children explained that, but yes, let's see if we can communicate with Darlene.
CARL
DURlene.
MEDIOMA
Apologies. DURlene. 
(takes a deep breath)
Is there a pet name or a common term you two would share? Something that might help her feel comfortable making contact?
CARL
She's probably just hiding. Mention that you have some cheese. That'll probably pry her out.
MEDIOMA
They aren't typically responsive to things like food. In the dimension where she is/oh here she is. She's saying something about you owing her ten dollars.
CARL
Tell her she can kiss my ass. I ain't payin' it.
MEDIOMA
Well, I don't really know how you would. Typically, something that's common and can be very emotionally cathartic is if either of you wants to share something you'd like to clear the air about.
CARL
How do I even know it's Durlene you got with ya?
MEDIOMA
Well, you did acknowledge that you owed her ten dollars.
CARL
I owe lots of people ten dollars. Ask her where we buried Whiskey. Just so I know it's her.
MEDIOMA
Ok ...she says ...in the alfalfa field.
CARL
That ain't specific enough. 
MEDIOMA
Um
(listening)
Uh huh. Ok. 
(gathering it all)
She says that you started by placing her in a barrel and putting her out near the haystacks, but there were too many flies, so you moved the barrel into the cellar, but then it started to smell bad so that you went to move it out, but you threw out your back and called her a mean name, and then she had to get a hand cart and wheel it up and out, and you laid in the bed of the truck while she drove you and the barrel out to the back field, dug a hole, and buried her.
(thinking)
I'm sorry, who was Whiskey? That was the name...
CARL
Hurt my back? I got hit with a shov.. Actually, I don't wanna tell you that. I don't know who you got in there with ya, but I don't think it's Durlene.
MEDIOMA
That wasn't specific enough for you?? And who is Whisk...
CARL
Ask her how we made pancakes.
MEDIOMA
Maybe if you just describe her physically to me? 
CARL
Just ask her, please.
MEDIOMA
Ok, ok
(listening)
Uh huh
(gathering)
Ok, so she says you'd throw all the flour up in the air, then dance under it, then go out covered in flour and pretend to be ghosts and scare the chickens to get an egg, then come back in, shake the remaining flour into a bowl, put in the egg. Then put on latex gloves and go out to your milk cow in the barn, sit on the stool and say "preparing for extraction" then milk her, then you'd do a little dance as you carried the milk back to the house, mix it all together, add oil, a secret ingredient ...and make pancakes. Can we move on please???
CARL
And what was the name of our secret dance?
MEDIOMA
Good. Lord!
(listening)
She, um, she says it didn't have a name.
CARL
I knew it. That ain't Durlene. That's her sister Murlene.
MEDIOMA
(in disbelief)
Durlene has a sister ...named Murlene?
CARL
Yeah, they're twins. That's why I couldn't give you a physical description. I ain't never owed Durlene ten dollars in my life. And if I did, she'd never mention it. But Murlene sure would. How in the heck did she find out where you were?
MEDIOMA
What do you mean? I'm at the property. 
CARL
You're what?? I thought you'd be at your office or a cafe or somethin'
MEDIOMA
Your children paid me extra to come out here because they thought it might be helpful with the connection.
CARL
Well, um, you might be in a bit of trouble.
MEDIOMA
(getting nervous)
What?? What do you mean?
CARL
Now just stay calm. Make sure Murlene doesn't suspect anything. 
MEDIOMA
Okay, I just told her I was sorry about Whiskey, and she said "She shouldn't have gone sticking her nose where it didn't belong." -- Is that a threat?! Was Whiskey a person?? Did she kill her? How in the hell did I end up here??!
CARL
No! No, she was a dog, and she got stung by a porcupine, and her nose swelled up and she couldn't breath, and she died. Just relax.
MEDIOMA
But why did you bury her in a barrel?
CARL
Because she was a damn queen, and she deserved it! Wood rots, but barrels don't. My kids set this meeting up with you after she died because she was my best friend. But then after I died, I figured I'd rather talk to Durlene.  Where is Durlene?
MEDIOMA
I don't know. No one has heard from her since the night after you passed. That's why your children wanted me to come to the property.
CARL
And where is Murlene now?
MEDIOMA
She went to get us some drinks. She just walked around the back of the house.
CARL
Oh ...that is not good.
MEDIOMA
(freaking out)
What? Why?!
CARL
Well, because she probably went to get a shotgun to shoot you in the stomach and hope that you die.
MEDIOMA
Why would you say that?!
CARL
Because that's how she is! She gets twitchy. I think that's how I ended up ...wherever I am.
MEDIOMA
(running, out of breath)
Murlene killed you?? 
CARL
I don't know! That's what I was hoping you could help figure out. We was loading Whiskey out of the cellar, and someone hit my in the back with a shovel, and then I guess a bunch of times on the head because I passed out. And when I woke up, I was in the bed of a pick-up truck all groggy, and I couldn't see Durlene anywhere. Then I seen Murlene and her boyfriend Scooty, and suddenly I was here. Where are you running?
MEDIOMA
(out of breath, panicked)
I just made it to the cellar across the street. The one that's dug into the hill. Do you think they killed you and Durlene? 
CARL
I don't know. They probably had a lot to gain if they did. Hell of a nice belt buckle collection. 
(thinking)
If Durlene was dead, wouldn't she be in here with me?
MEDIOMA
(freaked out)
I guess! I don't really know! The afterworld is so vast!
(feeling around)
Oh my god, it's so dark in here. She's going to find me!!
CARL
Now, now, just relax. They used to bake bread in there a long time back. You feel them big rock slates at the back wall?
MEDIOMA
(feeling)
Uh ...yeah! Yeah! I feel it!
CARL
Ok, well Murlene don't know this, but there's a secret tunnel behind one. Just roll it out of the way, climb through, then roll the slate back. So you think Durlene could still be alive?
MEDIOMA
I did it! I'm through! I can't see  anything!! I'm going to turn a light from my phone on!
(reading)
Oh wait, there's something written on the wall...
(reading, sort of to herself)
"...will try to reach the end. Am low on Suva. I love you -Durlene"
(back to Carl, looking at phone)
Damnit, I don't have any service in this tunnel! What is Suva?
CARL
It's a nickname for cheese.
MEDIOMA
I don't even have time for that right now. What do I do?
CARL
Do you have any cheese in your purse?
MEDIOMA
(at her wits end)
No, unfortunately, I'm all out of cheese in my purse. I have some water though.
CARL
Well, then head toward the end and see if you can find Durlene.
MEDIOMA
Your kids did not pay me enough for this! This was supposed to be one session.
CARL
Well, I saved you from Murlene, and Durlene needs help. I'd say the right thing to do is for you to try to help her. And if she has passed on, then I think you should help me find her in the afterworld.
MEDIOMA
(reluctant)
Fine, but your kids are going to give me a GLOWING review for my website. Agreed?
CARL
That seems only fair.
MEDIOMA
I guess I'll need something that I can tell them so that they know I definitely spoke with you and that I'm not making it up in case we get disconnected. I guess I have that crazy pancake process, I can tell them...
CARL
Well, lots of people do their pancakes that way. You can tell them that I taught Whiskey how to find a clean shirt in the laundry by taking my sweat and squeezing it into...
MEDIOMA
You know what? I'll just say Suva. Suva means cheese. That should do the trick. 
CARL
I suppose it would. Well, let's go find her.
MEDIOMA
Okay, sounds good. Did she have a favorite type of Suva?
CARL
Well, she was particularly fond of squirrel milk cheese.
MEDIOMA
(rethinking it)
You're certain that Murlene would shoot me?
CARL
I was just kidding. She likes all kinds of cheese. Let's go.
MEDIOMA
(deep breath, to herself)
You can do this. Ok, let's go find Durlene.
Sound FADING AWAY.
CARL
Now you're talkin'. If you ain't never had squirrel milk though, it is pretty tasty. And the cheese is somethin else. That was the name of our dance, you know, for the pancakes. It wasn't no cow we were milkin'. It was the squirrel milk dance. You should taste them pancakes though. Make you about lose your damn mind. Just delicious. See the recipe goes back centuries, back to when the very first of our ancestors rode over to these parts piggy back. See they'd take turns ...
Fade out:
Int. VR laboratory - day
We hear MACHINES and GENERAL LAB NOISE.
Scooney
(excited)
We're getting a reading. I think he's about to exit.
Meadow
(measured)
That's great. Right on time. What is the time of departure?
SCOONEY
He's been in for thirty-one minutes and 18 seconds.
MEADOW
Okay, that is well within our expected boundaries. 
(to the room)
Now keep in mind, everyone, Mister Lankins has only been gone for 31 minutes. But while away, he has experienced a childhood, adolescence, adulthood, love, heartbreak, a career, raising a family, retirement, the loss of loved ones, and as of 20 seconds ago -- his own death -- by shark ...as he requested. 
SCOONEY
This is an incredible undertaking for any human brain to undergo, and we want to make his re-immersion back into life as comfortable as possible. 
MEADOW
(calm, tranquil)
No loud noises, please bring the lights down. Gentle voices. This man has crossed scientific horizons that we could have only dreamed of, and I want you to treat that with the reverence...
SCOONEY
He's back!
Mr lankins
(terrified)
Get 'em off me!!!
(taking it in)
What is this?? Where is my wife?!
We hear a LOUD BEEEEEEEP.
SCOONEY
He's undergoing cardiac arrest!
MR LANKINS
Whaaaa....
BEEEEEP.
SCOONEY
Aaaand we've lost him.
MEADOW
Damnit.
(moment)
Well, good work everyone. We'll take a look at the footage and see what we can do to improve the exit.
(putting on a good face)
We're due to get one back yet!
We hear the GENERAL LAB NOISES.
Fade out: