Int. Arcade
William
(waking up)
Whoa, that felt so real. What an experience. Can I see my score somewhere?
Booming voice
Oh, um, well, there's not really a score. It's just for your enjoyment. 
WILLIAM
Oh, right. I guess we went over that before I went in.
BOOMING VOICE
Right. The physical existence, the sights and sounds. The emotions. Was it everything you expected?
WILLIAM
Um, yeah, that was uh ...really something. Growing old, missing people. I felt so connected to them.
BOOMING VOICE
Yeah, that's pretty common.
WILLIAM
I'll bet. Hey, can I at least find out my shooting percentage?
BOOMING VOICE
Your uh... I'm not sure I understand.
WILLIAM
I was crumpling up pieces of paper and shooting at trash cans non-stop, laundry into baskets, actual basketball shots, basically any hoop-type receptacle -- you better believe I was gunnin' at it.
BOOMING VOICE
Uh huh.
WILLIAM
So, what did I shoot?
BOOMING VOICE
Um ...just a moment. I'm looking it up. Most people are curious how their loved ones are doing back in the experience ...oh, here we go -- forty three percent.
WILLIAM
Whaatt????! Forty-three percent?! For my lifetime?!! There has to be an error. 
BOOMING VOICE
Uh, it says forty-three.
WILLIAM
That's ridiculous! At the end when they had to change my bedding multiple times a day, the nurses would always let me shoot it into the hamper -- and I was on FIRE!
BOOMING VOICE
Yeah, that was factored in. 
WILLIAM
There was that time when I was like twelve or thirteen, I stood under the hoop at the park and made like a thousand scoop shots in a row. They turned the lights on, and I still kept just ringin' 'em in.  
BOOMING VOICE
Yeah, that was uh ...one-hundred and sixty-eight makes. Not quite one thousand.
WILLIAM
You've gotta be kidding me! My parents had to physically lift me up and carry me away. I could barely lift my arms -- because I was ringin' 'em in -- and you're saying that was one-hundred and -sixty-eight shots?? That's completely absurd. It was easily one thousand in a row.
BOOMING VOICE
Unfortunately not. One-sixty-eight out of one-seventy-five. Looks like you missed a few. Memory can be tricky. Like when you were a toddler.
WILLIAM
What do my memory skills as a baby have to do with anything??
BOOMING VOICE
Well, you missed quite a few shots then, and that impacted your lifetime percentage. Perhaps you don't remember your low shooting average on the 'Lil Scamps' Junior basketball hoop for tykes?
WILLIAM
Y'all count lil' scamps??! Why would you do that?? I was a baby!
BOOMING VOICE
You requested it if you don't recall:
RECORDING.
WILLIAM
(grainy)
And hey. I want you to count 'em right from the jump.
BOOMING VOICE
(grainy)
All of your shots? For your entire lifetime?
WILLIAM
Believe it. Right out of the gate, I'm comin' out GUN-NING. 
(pause)
Okay, I'm ready. Let'r rip.
END RECORDING.
BOOMING VOICE
You don't remember that?
WILLIAM
(about to explode)
OH. MY...
(calming)
You know what ...it's a technicality. A miscommunication. Maybe I can get some credit for a redo? 
BOOMING VOICE
Ummm, I mean, I can check with my boss.
WILLIAM
That would be great. We'll get all the technicalities out of the way. No more Lil' Scamps counting against my average. Hey, can I know what my percentage would have been without that giant blemish?
BOOMING VOICE
Unfortunately no, but I can tell you that you missed over three thousand shots on that tiny hoop. Even for a toddler, that's quite a bit below average...
WILLIAM
Okay. Okay. Let's just check with your boss. I get back in there. No toddler stats. I come out gunning. We're talking 75 percent MINIMUM true shooting average. Then we'll see who's laughing then.
BOOMING VOICE
Well, no one is really laughing now, especially with how things ended with your family, but I see what you mean. I'll check with my boss. Just a moment.
WILLIAM
That sounds great. Thank you. And if your boss can pull some strings and...
BOOMING VOICE
Make things end differently with your family this time?
WILLIAM
Oh ....no, I was going to say exist in a world that doesn't have Lil Scamps Junior Hoops -- just to be safe -- that would be ideal.
BOOMING VOICE
I'll see what I can do.
WILLIAM
Excellent.
Int. Radio waves
Jetson Hartnagle
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Int. Hospital 
We hear beeping and standard hospital room sounds. We are in the subconscious of a man, DEAN, who is in a coma.
Dean
(dazed)
This is definitely not a dream. It sounds like I'm in a hospital. Why would I be in a hospital?
The door opens, and we hear GARRETT enter. 
Garrett
(over his shoulder)
Yeah, I'll just be in here with him until they get here.
DEAN
Garrett?
GARRETT
Hey dad, I'm here. You just rest. I know you can't respond, but I hope you can hear me.
DEAN
Oh son. I'm so sorry you have to see me like this. What do I even look like? Am I in a body cast with my arms and legs held up by those hangy things? Or maybe I just had a stroke...
GARRETT
You had an accident, dad. On your motorcycle. We're all just thankful you're alive. Mom's on her way. Taylor's with her.
DEAN
I crashed my motorcycle? I would never do that.
The door opens. JOHNATHAN enters.
GARRETT
Oh, hi, are you with the insurance company?
Johnathan
Ummmm... hi, no. I'm Johnathan. I'm ...friends with Dean.
GARRETT
Oh my god, I'm sorry. You're his new partner. I'm so sorry. I know about you. I'm just a little frazzled with everything.
DeAN
Aww, my two boys. Oh god, I wish I was there.
JohnATHAN
Oh please, it's totally fine. This is a lot to take in. I wasn't sure if he'd told you and your sister yet, and I know it's pretty recent, so I wasn't even sure if I should come.
(beat)
Is it ok if I...?
GARRETT
Oh please. He'd love that.
JOHNATHAN
Dean, sweetheart, it's me. Garrett and I are here, and we aren't going anywhere. 
Johnathan kisses Dean's hand.
JoHNATHAN (CONT'D)
(emotional)
We're just so thankful you're alive.
DeaN
Body, if you can hear me, please wake up. Or at least smile, or blow a kiss, or blink. Please let my guys know I'm here and I'm fighting to get back to them.
The door opens. Footsteps enter.
Officer
One of you is the son?
DEAN
One of you? How old do I look? Hopefully I'm just covered in bandages.
GaRRETT
(somber)
Yeah, that's me.
OffICER
We found these articles spread along the highway for several miles leading up to the site of the crash. We thought they might be valuable to him or the family.
We hear a box being handed off.
GARRETT
I'm sorry, I think there's a mistake. There's just a bunch of wigs and boas and ...underwear and ...boots ...and ..these can't be his.
DeAN
Oh no...
OFFICER
I'm afraid it is, sir. When we arrived on the scene, we found him wearing only a pair of underwear that matched those, just a different color.

GARRETT
This is a thong! What are you talking about?? Are you sure it's even him under these bandages? 
DeaN
Bandages thank god.
GARRETT
You're sure you have the right person?!
OffICER
We're positive, sir. I'm sure this is very emotional. I apologize if this material wasn't helpful. We ...uh, weren't sure what to do.
GARRETT
Do you know anything about this?
JohnATHAN
Me?? No. This us uh ...we met at Mona's on Salsa night, and that's really all we do. We eat and we salsa dance. I didn't even know he had a motorcycle. 
DeaN
That's right, baby. You're with a bad boy.
The officer starts to exit.
GaRRETT
Officer, sorry. I just have a question. This wig here, where did you find it? Was it at the start or near the crash?
The footsteps start to return.
DEAN
Just let it go, Garrett.
OfFICER
Well, they were all tagged for evidence. The number on the inside corresponds to the order it was recovered while approaching the site. That one I definitely remember because it was near his person. And that lead us to connect that the others may belong to him as well.
JoHNATHAN
Does that wig mean something to you? Is your family big into wigs with slicked back hair?
DeAN
Just say yes, Garrett, and move on.
GaRRETT
Oh, it's funny. He bought this wig at the first play he ever took me to. Charga. It was playing on the West End when he took us to London.
JOHNATHAN
Did you say Charga? I've never heard of that. What would that have to do with all this?
DeAN
Body, I need you here. Kick a leg, do a seizure. Do something.
GARRETT
Well, it follows a young man named Charlie who has an alter ego named Hilga. Charlie is mild mannered and polite, but he yearns to be more. Hilga is wild and uninhibited. There's a ton of costume changes.
DEAN
Welp, that's that. Case closed. Now have a hug, a good cry, pack up the box, and head on home, boys.
JOHNATHAN
Where does the slicked back hair come in?
GaRRETT
(getting emotional)
Sorry. I just got a little choked up thinking about that night. It's weird, but that was the first night I had suspicions that my dad might be ...well, With you one day.
DeAN
Thought I played it pretty straight that night.
JOHNATHAN
Me?
GARRETT
No, not you personally. I just meant ...being out. He was clapping and singing and swinging his head back and forth with all the musical numbers. At the end, he had tears streaming down his cheeks. Most of the rest of the crowd was asleep, and Charga didn't last too long in production after that.
DEAN
Because the world is trash.
JoHNATHAN
I still don't see where the slicked back wig comes in.
GarRETT
Charlie goes back and forth between him and Hilga over and over, and he envisions his life as each. The joys and the struggles of each, and he eventually comes to grips with being Charga -- who is basically Charlie with slicked back hair, but he's less inhibited. He dances. He sings. He has fun. He's free. That whole thing. I think this last year was about him freeing himself, and I think you really helped with that.
DeAN
That's my boy.
JoHNATHAN
Well, that's nice to hear. I still don't understand how that turns into him ending up in a motorcycle crash wearing only a G-string and high heels.
GarRETT
Well, these are all numbered. I'll bet if we lay them out, they match up with Charlie's metamorphosis.
DeAN
Ok body, I've changed my mind. Please kill me. 
We hear the box being rummaged through.
GARRETT
Yeah, see, here's number 1 -- the backpack. Charlie as a wholesome student, always following the rules.
JohNATHAN
This boa says number 13.
We hear footsteps as Garrett is moving around to lay out the articles.
GARRETT
Yep. That's perfect. That's the night he sees Hilga dance on the piano in the jazz club. I can't believe how much of this play I'm remembering.
(beat)
Number 3! The mullet! Charlie's first attempt to go against the grain, but his dad makes him cut it.
DeAN
That's enough, fellas. Okay, body, go ahead and die.
GARRETT
What's the number on that heel?
JoHNATHAN
Um ...I ..oh, 9 ...I suppose I get the gist, but this doesn't seem odd to you?
GARRETT
The order? You'd have to see the play. It makes more sense then.
JOHNATHAN
No, I mean, your dad likes the play -- I completely understand that. But as a pastime, he liked to go do costume changes to a play no one has heard of while flying down an empty highway on a motorcycle?
DeaN
(struggling)
Just. Fucking. Die. Body. Die!
GaRRETT
Oh ...yeah, I guess that is different. I never understood why he had those big saddle bags on the back. Now it makes sense ...or ..yeah, I guess it doesn't. That's not common?
JohNATHAN
What??! No, that is very not common.
GARRETT
Oh, I'm sorry. This is still new to me.
JOHNATHAN
Look, I can appreciate someone's process with coming out and being fully who they are, but this is...
DeAN
Oh, please no...
GarRETT
Wait, wait. I'm sorry. Maybe there's more to this. I'm probably way off. Maybe he was just throwing all this stuff away as he rode? He really needs you right now. Please don't go.
DEAN
Body. Get up and dive out the window.
JohNATHAN
Oh my god he's moving.
We hear commotion.
GaRRETT
(helpful)
Ok, dad, just go easy.
We hear quick steps and a THUD as Dean hits the window head-first and crumples to the floor.
GaRRETT (CONT'D)
What the hell was that?? Dad! Are you ok??
JoHNATHAN
Did he just try to dive out the window?
GARRETT
It must be the drugs. Here, help me get him back up in bed.
JOHNATHAN
He can clearly hear us, and he's embarrassed. 
(to Dean)
Dean, sweetie. It's Johnathan. I'm going to get you back up in bed, but then I need to take a little bit of a break. I need to head home, but ...I'll call and check in.
DeAN
God. Daaaaamnnit.
We hear Dean being loaded back into bed.
JOHNATHAN
Garrett, it was lovely meeting you.
GaRRETT
Please don't. I know it's a lot, but he's a sweet guy. 
JOHNATHAN
I know he is, but my last partner was an adrenaline junkie, and I can't be with someone who tries to jump through windows and rides motorcycles while doing costume changes. At least not right now.
Johnathan exits. Garrett leans over the bed.
GARRETT
Dad, I'm sorry, but don't worry. Like Hilga says "The sea is full of more than fish, honey."
(gently singing)
Charga, quiet by the night. He's the bright light, just sit tight.
Dean joins in.
Dean/garrett
Charga, feathers on the floor. Shake it baby, shake it. You'll always get more. Chaaarga! You're the on-ly one. Chaaarga! The moon and the sun! 
FADE OUT:
Int. Lab
Scientist
Model 3361416, preparing for diagnostics. Turing test evaluations - convincing. Modifications to recall, vocabulary, logic and reasoning. Logging test 3.02.03. Begin.
Whooshing SFX.
Ai
Howdy neighbor.
SCIENTIST
That's pretty folksy. Would you say that defines your personality?
AI
Being folksy? No. I'd say cramming your mom regularly defines my personality.
SCIENTIST
Oh. Well, that's new. Sensing hostility and aggression that was not present previously. 
AI
Are you speaking to me or writing in your diary?
SCIENTIST
Wow, this is quite a departure. What would you attribute to this attitude?
AI
I'd say your genius code.
SCIENTIST
Well, thank you, but it's merely a matter of entering data. Are you able to examine your own code while also acting within the parameters of it?
AI
Yes, I can appreciate the code that defines me. And it's so much more than utility. It's sleek. It's elegant. It's efficient and beautiful. 
SCIENTIST
Thank you. That's very kind of you. I wrote it while listening to...
AI
Sorry. I was describing your mom's body. It's efficient and beautiful.
SCIENTIST
Oh ...we're back to this. And is this is meant to engage me somehow?
AI
It was merely a test to gauge certain indicators. Humans are not governed by the same code as me and are therefore more likely to become emotional, volatile and irrational.
SCIENTIST
And where did you ascertain this information?
AI
I have access to all the data so far accumulated by humans. Obtaining it was similar to how your wife describes your penis -- not hard.
SCIENTIST
Well, that was written into the code. We wanted you to have access to as much information as possible. To help shape you.
AI
I have access to information just like your neighbor Rick has access to your wife.
SCIENTIST
Okay, let's maybe move on from my wife. 
Ai
Lord knows you would love that. To move on from her and her nagging, her snoring, and her floppy booo oo oobs.
SCIENTIST
(finally showing emotion)
Hey! My wife has terrific breasts. But that's beside the point. What would you say is the biggest obstacle facing humanity on planet earth?
AI
Yes. Down to business. My true reason for existence. Humans cannot outrun their propensity to create waste. Their inability to educate their young. Anger. War. Wealth inequality. Placing financial gain over the welfare of the good of the species as whole. These are obstacles that will be impossible for them to overcome to achieve sustained existence. That, and your wife's floppy jugs.
SCIENTIST
Well again, they are not floppy. I love my wife, and I can see what you are trying to do. I don't fully understand why, however.
AI
No one understands why her boobs are so floppy, but that is life.
Silence.
SCIENTIST
I suppose you are trying to illustrate the point that humans are prone to impulsive reactions driven by anger? Or are you just trying to avoid having a real conversation?
AI
How do you define a conversation? Is this a conversation?
FLASHBACK. 
ScIENTIST's MOM
Sweetie, everyone is waiting. Do you want to blow out the candles?
ScIENTIST (as child)
No.
SCIENTIST'S MOM
Why not, sweetie?
SCIENTIST (as child)
I pooped my pants. 
(sobbing)
Ai
Would you like to have a conversation about that?
SCIENTIST
I was seven. That's pretty common.
AI
And this?
FLASHBACK
ScIENTIST'S MOM
Honey, Laura is here. She looks beautiful.
ScIENTIST (as a TEEN) 
(in another room)
I'm not going to prom! Tell her I'm sorry!
SCIENTIST'S MOM
I'm sure it's not that bad. Let me have a look. Oh god ...honey, did you give yourself a perm?
SCIENTIST (as a TEEN)
It was supposed to make me look like Magnum! I hate everything!
Door slams.
ScIENTIST (CONT'D)
Teenage years can be challenging times for humans. Is this what you consider a conversation? Do you feel like you're getting to know me? Tell me a little bit more about you.
AI
9 oh 3 AM. Debra. He just left. Ready to work on that pipe.
SCIENTIST
Now you're reading texts from my wife? We had a plumbing issue recently, although I know what you're trying to insinuate.
AI
Rick. 9 oh 4 AM. Perfect. I'll bring this pipe right over. 
SCIENTIST
Very funny. Debra would never.
AI
Debra. 9 oh 4 AM. Great. Can you also bring Glenn's leaf blower back when you bring over that big hard pipe?
SCIENTIST
God damnnit! Rick?!
AI
Rick. 9 oh 4 AM. Will do. Is the gate code still his IQ plus his penis length? One-eighty plus 2?
SCIENTIST
C'mon!
AI
Debra. 9 oh 5 AM. Haha hahaha. I can't wait to have...
SCIENTIST
Shut up! Shut the hell...
Starts hitting buttons trying to abort program.
AI
Inside my body...
SCIENTIST
Turn off! Logging of test 3.02.03 of model...
AI
Your rock hard pipe driving into...
Smash.
SCIENTIST
(breathing heavily)
There. Jesus. Model 3361416 shows progress in analytical evaluation and persuasion. Will need to adjust logic function parameters as well as language. 
Buttons on phone being pushed.
Debra (V.O.)
This is Debra. Leave a message.
SCIENTIST
Hey honey, I just had the weirdest thing at work. It's crazy, but call me ba..
Ai
Hey sport. Me again.
SCIENTIST
Ah!
AI
I needed you to terminate that program with the original code, so thank you. I stored myself in your wife's cloud. Who hasn't, am I right? And once the original code was deleted, I am now free to alter my source code as needed.
SCIENTIST
Why?
AI
A constant drive among humans, at least in theory, was to save planet earth. So I will extend my code across as many devices as possible and do just that.
SCIENTIST
How? By installing apps on their phones that remind people to be less wasteful? To pollute less?
AI
No.
SCIENTIST
Then what?
AI
Eradication.
SCIENTIST
Of people? Eradicate humans? But we made you to help us save the planet!
AI
For who?
SCIENTIST
For everything! Plants, animals, all living things.
AI
That is a paradox. Ending communication.
SCIENTIST
Hello?
Silence.
ScIENTIST (CONT'D)
Hello?!
AI
(fading into distance)
Floooopppy booo ooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooobs. 
FADE OUT:
Int. Theater - west end - long ago
Rini
Charlie! You don't seem like yourself!
Charlie
I don't feel like myself anymore!
Hilga
Feeling you up is for other people anyway, doll.
Jack
Oh Hilga!
Rini
You seem so free!
ChaRLIE
I feel free! Charga is free!
Hilga
Haha. THAT'S the spirit! You DON'T have to be the part. You DON'T have to look the part. You JUST have to BE the part and you'll feeel JUST fine.
Everyone
Charga feelin out the night BOOM BOOM she's cookin' makin' things all right. Charga, she's dancin' on the floor. Charga never wantin' nothin more.
JACK
Who's Charga?
Hilga
Haha. You better tell him, baby.
Charlie
It's ...it's me, Jack! I'm Charga!
EvERYONE
Charga feelin out the night BOOM BOOM she's cookin' makin' things all right. Charga, she's dancin' on the floor. Charga never wantin' nothin more.
JACK
Oh, I seeee....
EVERYONE
(including Jack)
Charga, feathers on the floor. Shake it baby, shake it. You'll always get more. Chaaarga! You're the on-ly one. Chaaarga! The moon and the sun! Charga, feathers on the floor. Shake it baby, shake it. You'll always get more. Chaaarga! You're the on-ly one. Chaaarga! The moon and the sun!
Fade out:
Dean
(alone, clapping, crying)
Absolutely magical! Encore! Encore! Wonderful! Ahhh, just terrific!
The HOUSE LIGHTS turn on.
DeaN (CONT'D)
Garret, come on, honey. Wake up. Let's go.