Int. Therapist's office
Therapist
How's it going?
Steve
Good, I guess.
THERAPIST
Hmmm. You said 'I guess' -- why do you guess?
STEVE
I don't know. It just feels kind of disingenuous to say good. I mean, nothing's really changed.
THERAPIST
Okay, well last time, something we talked about habits and patterns, and we wanted to work on some of those things. Like huffing gas. Have you stopped doing that?
STEVE
No comment.
THERAPIST
That's fine. We'll get there. These things take time. What about a hobby?
STEVE
Ehhh.
THERAPIST
That doesn't sound like a no. Do you want to elaborate?
STEVE
Not really. I'm not sure it even counts as an activity.
THERAPIST
You had talked about possibly doing zrayonk or joining a vreemow club. Those are ambitious activities, so if you didn't go that route, that's no reason to get down on yourself. Did you end up doing something else?
STEVE
I bought a dark cloud.
THERAPIST
A ...dark cloud. I'm unfamiliar with that. It sounds like it could be ...an activity.
STEVE
No. It's just a little cloud that blooms and hangs out and grows crap.
THERAPIST
It seems like you're feeling some hesitation about sharing, and I think it's a big step that you tried something new. When you say 'hangs out' and 'grows crap' do you mean like a garden?
STEVE
No, I mean it just like hangs out in your room, and it grows like black holes and galaxies and stars and planets and shit, and some of the planets grow life. It's ok. You can swipe your hand through it and feel some of the black holes and stuff. It's kind of cool.
THERAPIST
Well, that sounds fun! This is the most excited I've heard you be about something in a while. This definitely sounds like a hobby. I'm proud of you.
STEVE
Thanks. I thought you might be mad because I got it through the endless abyss.
THERAPIST
Oh ...well, we did talk about that being a source of negative experiences for you. What made you want to explore that again?
STEVE
I was uh ...I was huffing gas.
THERAPIST
That's ...that's understandable. But rather than focus on falling into old patterns -- and we all do that -- let's focus on what sounds like an exciting new pastime.
STEVE
It's okay. Sorry I huffed.
THERAPIST
Please. You never need to apologize to me. We're all doing our best. You said that some of the planets grow life. Tell me more about that.
STEVE
Oh, it's crazy. They grow these little beings, and they walk around and talk to each other and build cities, and have wars, and they multiply at like an insane level. 
THERAPIST
And you can see all this in the cloud?
STEVE
There are all these lights -- like trillions of them -- that show every single angle you could ever want. You just have to kind of look in an area, and it automatically zooms in to that spot.
THERAPIST
Steve, this is amazing. And you made this??
STEVE
I mean, I just followed the instructions, and now it just kind of hovers in my closet. I don't really remember how I made it because of the gas.
THERAPIST
When you say that it hovers in your closet, is that what it's designed for? Is that how you're supposed to use it?
STEVE
Umm, I'm not totally ...no ...probably not. I just got kind of sick of it, so I put it in there for a little break.
THERAPIST
And what made you get sick of it?
STEVE
Well, every time I looked in, it was just them having sex -- like nonstop. Just constantly. And when they weren't, there were always beings screaming up -- and honestly it looked like they were looking right at me -- going "why?! Why did you do this?? Please help me! Help me god!"
THERAPIST
Who is god?
STEVE
I have no idea! That's just what they started calling me -- in all of their languages -- all the time. It just felt like every time I looked in they were asking me to do something I couldn't, or asking why I had made them, or you know, having sex.
THERAPIST
Do the instructions say anything about this?
STEVE
I have no idea. I bought it from the endless abyss, and I was high on gas.
THERAPIST
Right. And when they're asking you to do things that you couldn't do ...do you mean they want you to have sex with them?
STEVE
What? No! Like helping their team win a sporting event or something like that.
THERAPIST
And you can't do that?
STEVE
No! Not even close. I can only look in. I can add new stuff, but it's really hard. Every time I add new stuff, some new problem comes up.
THERAPIST
I'm not sure I understand.
STEVE
They worry about a disease. I add in something that allows them to create technology that can alleviate that disease. But then they use that technology to film themselves reproducing, or to just be mean to each other and make themselves dumber. Then they make more of themselves, a new disease pops up, and they're just always begging me to cure something. It's not what I thought I was buying.
THERAPIST
Well then, why not just get rid of it?
STEVE
Well ...a couple of reasons. But mostly because they're scared of death.
THERAPIST
What?
STEVE
They're like terrified. They have no idea what life is, why they exist, what comes next. It's not like here where Gimooma eats you.
THERAPIST
I suppose we are lucky that we know that. We live, and then Gimooma eats you.
STEVE
Totally. But what if there was no Gimooma?
THERAPIST
Don't even joke about that. I'm sorry to get serious. I want this session to continue, but do not joke about that.
STEVE
I never would! But you asked why I don't just flush it away.
THERAPIST
I see. That's very sweet of you. You're worried that they'll be scared.
STEVE
Yeah. Even the ones who are certain that I watch them all the time are scared. And it just feels kind of mean to wipe it all away while they're scared.
THERAPIST
So you're keeping it around until you can convey to them what their meaning is? To take away their fear?
STEVE
Uhhh... yes.
THERAPIST
Or it's not that? When I asked why you don't wipe it away, you initially said there were a couple of reasons. What was the other reason?
STEVE
Uhhh.
THERAPIST
Steve?
STEVE
...gas.
THERAPIST
Oh no. How?
STEVE
Well, they burn through so much material that they create methane and carbon dioxide and some other tasty nugs, and I just...
THERAPIST
Steve, no. Please tell me that you didn't purchase this cloud purely to huff gas from it.
Silence.
ThERAPIST (CONT'D)
How much can it even produce??
STEVE
Barely any. But I'm an addict! And it was cheap.
THERAPIST
I cannot believe I in some way enabled -- and even encouraged -- you to pursue this. I'm sorry, but I need you to leave.
STEVE
It's not even enough gas to get you high!
THERAPIST
That's not the point. We'll pick this up another time, but I cannot lose my license because you won't be forthright. 
Steve gets up and heads to the door.
STEVE
So, should I wipe the cloud?
THERAPIST
That is entirely up to you. Do you want to take away their fear? Or is it just a means to get high? You'll have to figure that out. For now, let's pick up another time.
STEVE
Ok. Sorry. I'll see ya.
Steve exits. 
Int. Capsule - Space - night
Houston
Okay, folks, excellent work. Go ahead and call it a day, and I'm going to do the same myself. We'll re-connect at 18 hundred UTC. For now, I leave you in the competent hands of officer Doots.
Amber
Thank you, Houston. Get some rest. We're all set up here.
Eric
I am pooped. And speaking of pooped, good evening officer Dooty.
Doots
It's Doots, and you know it.
ERIC
Just bustin' your chops, Dootsy. Hope you're having a nice night.
(to the others)
Wow, I am genuinely tired. You guys want to wind down a bit before we call it a day?
AmBER
These are the times where I really wish we had space wine.
BerNIE
Just say the word, and I can make that happen.
AMBER
For the final time, Bernie, I am not -- and will never be -- interested in your 'special wine'
BERNIE
You're missing out. It's pretty good.
ErIC
No one wants to drink your fermented prison urine.
Bernie
Just chemicals, friends. I suppose you also hate butterflies because they used to be disgusting caterpillars.
ERIC
I know it doesn't have the same appeal as pee wine, but what about seeing if we can tune in to Madam Tingle's ASMR channel?
BERNIE
If I'm not going to get buzzed from bladder grapes, that will have to do.
AmBER
Bernie, please stop speaking. And yes, that sounds like heaven after the day we just had.
We hear RADIO SIGNALS being tuned.
ErIC
Wonderful. 
(focusing and tuning)
Just need to find... give me a...
Madam tingle
...is where the blah finds its blah chah hah. And in that prrrrrr perrrfecccct moment -- would you like to hear some purrs? Purrrr...
She PURRS and we fade out slightly.
AmBER
Yes I would, madam. This is absolute heaven. What is it about her voice that is so hypnotic?
Bernie
Similar to the chemical reactions in fermentation, it's one of those indescribable...
AMBER
Bernie. Shut up.
BERNIE
Roger that. 
ErIC
Thank you.
madAM TINGLE
(fading back in)
...purrrrr. There you go, my sweets. That feels nice, doesn't it? Hehe. It's nice to do what feels nice. One thing I've always loved is...
Her audio starts to cut in and out.
MaDAM TINGLE (CONT'D)
Driving a car. Very fast. Vrrrooom. And setting your sites on an unsuspecting pedestrian...
BerNIE
Is anyone else hearing this?
AmBER
Bernie! Please! Let's all just relax.
MaDAM TINGLE
...and then just gently swerving over, over so far, even onto the sidewalk. And you can feel the bump. It may even damage your car, but you just keep going. The wind in your hair...
BerNIE
Please tell me you heard that!
ErIC
Bernie! Pipe it!
BERNIE
No! 
AmBER
Is this because we wouldn't drink your pee wine??
BERNIE
No!! Listen to her! You're caught in the trance! Wake up and just listen to what she's saying!
MaDAM TINGLE
The blood on the grrrrilll. Vrrrrroooom. The car speeds away, and the blood trickles along the side inching toward the back. But you head to a carwash. Swiiish. Splaaashhhh. Voooooshhhh. Cleaning the car. Cleaning it like new. No signs of...
BERNIE
Guys??!
AmBER
Okay! Okay! I'm sorry. Oh my god! What is happening?!
EriC
Let's not over-react. Maybe this is just a new thing she's doing. 
MaDAM TINGLE
Over and over, and no suspects. So many unsuspecting drifters, just mowwwed down. Vrrroooom. Hehe. In fact, I think I might bring you kitties with me on this next one.
We hear Madam Tingle GET UP and grab her KEYS FROM THE TABLE, WALKING, and a DOOR OPEN and CLOSE.
ErIC
It is definitely not a new thing! This is real!
(trying to connect)
Dooty. Officer Doots! Do you copy?
AmBER
Officer Doots! Toby! Do you copy?
We hear a CAR START.
DOOTS
Leave me alone. You're supposed to be sleeping.
AMBER
No! Listen, we were winding down, and sometimes we listen to this program...
BerNIE
And we haven't been drinking urine wine.
AMBER
Shut up, Bernie!
(To Doots)
Doots, sometimes we listen to this radio show to calm down, but tonight we were listening and...  
ErIC
She was giving detailed descriptions about vehicular homicides she had committed! You've gotta tune in and stop her from committing another one!
DoOTS
Are you guys done?
ERIC
What?! Doots, please!
DOOTS
Like the time you guys had me go outside to check for a meteor shower and then I got bitten by an alligator?
ERIC
That was a complete coincidence!
BerNIE
Still great though.
AmBER/eric
Shut up, Bernie!
DOOTS
Or like when you had me look into my box of cereal for a prize but there was a live snake that bit me and made my eyes swell up?
BerNIE
That's on you, really. I mean, what adult gets excited about a prize in a cereal box?
MaDAM TINGLE
Drrriving down 290. 71 miles perrrrr hour. Hope we see some juicy drifterrrrs. Mmmmm. The wind in my hair. 
We hear DRIVING WITH WINDOWS DOWN.
AmBER
Doots, listen! It's real! It's her! We have no audio gear to fabricate this! Please listen!
MADAM TINGLE
Licenssse plate number Exxxx Teeeee Whyyyyy - Sevvvennnn
EriC
For the love of god, she's giving out her license plate number!! Doots, please do something!
DOOTS
Hang on. I'm writing it down. Just to be safe!
AmBER/ERIC
Yes!!!
DOOTS
But I swear to god, if you guys are playing another joke on me, and I drive out there and a deer rapes me...
BerNIE
What???
AmBER
Dude. How would that even happen?
DooTS
I'm just saying, if anything goes wrong...
ErIC
Don't drive anywhere! Just call it in! No deer involved.
AmBER
I'm sure she'll give you everything you need.
MaDAM TINGLE
Mmmmile marrrker forty onnnneeee. Mmmmm no drifters yet. Hehe. Mmmmmm. Vrrrooooom.
AMBER
Are you getting this, Doots?
SILENCE.
AmBER (CONT'D)
Doots??
ErIC
He's in a trance. Damnit! Her gorgeous voice lulled him to sleep!
BerNIE
(whispering to Doots)
Hey Dootsy, I'm a deer. Mmmm. I like your smell, son. Here's the thing, I'd like to go steady with a nice young man like yourself. My credit score? I'm glad you've asked...
DOOTS
(jarred awake with a grunt)
Ungh! Gah! Sorry! Sorry. I'll call it in. I'm calling now. Hang on.
We hear BUTTONS BEING PUSHED.
BERNIE
Look at us. What a bunch of heroes. I'll crack open the toilet hooch.
AmBER
Bernie. I don't even know where to start.
ErIC
I hope she doesn't come across any drifters before the state patrol catches up with her.
AmBER
But I do hope she keeps talking. Is that terrible?
Eric/bernie
No. I don't think so.
WIND while DRIVING fades in.
MaDAM TINGLE
...Some eyes off in the shadowwwwsss. Maybe a deer? Or a skkkunnnkkk. Or a kiiyyyooteeeee. Owwww ooooohhhhh. Not a perrrsoonnnnn. Not yet. But sooonnnn. Just walkingggg. Making their way. But not for long. 
AmBER
Bernie. This really isn't that bad.
ErIC
Yeah. It's kind of a fitting end to this crazy day.
BernIE
I know. You're welcome.
MaDAM TINGLE
...Seatbelt is on. Nice and tight. Fingers laced on the steering wheel. Ready for the impact. Vroooom. Don't forget to subscribe to my....
FADE OUT:
Int. radio waves
Jetson hartnagle
Folks, are you aware that 91 percent of all jerky contains tiny amounts of vegetables? Are you tired of vegetables finding their way into everything you eat? When will this invasion stop? Well, thankfully folks, I've partnered with the good folks at Lionclaw Meats to bring you Jet Jerky. That's right folks, Jet Jerky has ZERO vegetables, just 100% pure meat. Get your power back. Get your energy back! Stop invasive vegetables from finding their way into the foods your cherish, with Jet Jerky. No more feeling lethargic! No more energy drinks or caffeine needed. Power up with vegetable-free lean meat Jerky -- Jet Jerky! And take your power back!!
Int. Undersea auditorium - atlantis basement - night
Emperor zart
...Aggressions that have plagued our civilizations for far too long and kept us prisoners underneath our own world. 
The crowd cheers.
EMPEROR ZART (CONT'D)
Plastic floating on the surface, metal pipes transporting oil across where our ancestor's children used to play.
Cheering.
EMPEROR ZART (CONT'D)
It is time, my friends, for us to rise!
Cheers.
EMPEROR ZART (CONT'D)
Garold has invented a weapon. A very powerful weapon, that we will unleash upon the unsuspecting surface dwellers.
Cheers.
EMPEROR ZART (CONT'D)
And now I will have Garold say a few words about this great ...equalizer.
Garold
Thank you, Emperor Zart. Friends, while most of you have spent your time down here in the basement fornicating and partaking in other mindless, jovial excursions of the mind, I have been at work.
One guy
Awesome!
Crail
Someone had to do it!
GAROLD
For far too long, we have lived in fear. Fear of being discovered. But now they will live in fear of discovering us because I have invented what I call "The Displacer"
Cheering.
EMPEROR ZART
Calm down. Calm down. Garold, please explain this great "displacer"
GAROLD
Thank you, dear emperor. You see, it is merely a matter of 'displacing' water from one location and propelling it rapidly to another location. The water is sucked from here, then it traverses through this long shaft.
ONE GUY (o.S.)
I hear ya!
GAROLD
Until it is released, at a great velocity, out of this other end. 
Cheering.
GAROLD (CONT'D)
It uses the power of the tides, water, which we have in abundant supply, and some hose.
EMPEROR ZART
And we have plenty of hose to outfit an army?
GAROLD
We do. While most of you engaged in revelry, I collected discarded hose left behind by the surface dwellers. We have plenty.
Cheering.
Crail
Sorry. Sorry. I don't want to be a downer, but I think you're really underestimating the weapons they have up above. Unless the great displacer can also launch rockets, I think we might want to go back to the drawing board.
EMPEROR ZART
And who are you?
CRAIL
I'm Crail. Hey, everybody. 
(half-hearted)
Yay Atlantis!
A smattering of applause.
GAROLD
Of course you would say that, Crail. Emperor, he's one of the burnouts that hangs out by the vents.
CRAIL
Thank you, Garold. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I'm just saying that up above they have atomic bombs, and I think what you're describing here, they'd refer to as a squirt gun.
EMPEROR ZART
And their squirt guns -- would they be any match for us and our abundant supply of hose?
CRAIL
Well, it's not so much that, it's that ...they use them for fun. They have entire water parks full of them that they pay money to shoot each other with. The guns themselves aren't of much value to them. I mean, there are dozens of them floating in the trash heap right above us.
EMPEROR ZART
But what about their hose supply?
GaROLD
And how do you know so much about the above world?
CRAIL
Well, sir. I'm afraid they do have a pretty healthy supply of hose. Like Garold mentioned, all the hose we have is merely just from what they have already thrown away. 
EmPEROR ZART
Garold brings up a good point. How do you know so much about the above world?
CRAIL
Just happy to help, everybody. 
(trying to exit)
Back to the drawing board. Go Atlantis!
EMPEROR ZART
Stop him! Mr ...Crail, tell us how you know so much about the above world!
CRAIL
Well, I didn't mean to. I snuck up when it was dark to see if it was as bad as everyone said it was. And I was just swimming through all the trash, and I got stuck in what they refer to as a 'lawn chair' and this human showed up.
The crowd gasps.
EMPEROR ZART
A human saw you?!
CRAIL
Yes, but she was nice! She cut me out. She goes out there at night to listen to podcasts and clean up the ocean.
EMPEROR ZART
And she didn't kill and eat you?
CRAIL
What? No! I'm right he... No, she's a vegan. She just cut me loose and brought me into her boat to catch my breath, and we started talking.
The crowd gasps.
EMPEROR ZART
And then she showed you the atomic bombs and rockets?
CRAIL
Not right away. Mostly we just talked, but after a while she started bringing me back to her apartment, and we'd watch movies together. That's how I saw the bombs and rockets.
More gasps.
EMPEROR ZART
But without water, how did you survive?
CRAIL
Well, sometimes we'd watch in her bathroom with me in the tub, but she could never get the salt levels right, and my tail would dry out. So I'd just hold out as long as I could on her couch, but I'd usually pass out after about an hour, so she'd bring me back to the trash heap and throw me in.
garold
So she would haul your limp body out to sea and toss you into garbage?
Crail
Yes, Garold. 
GAROLD
That's very romantic. Night after night just watching movies together, and she'd look over at some point, and your gills are wide open gasping for water, then she'd load you up in her boat and haul you out to sea and wrestle you over the edge of her boat and dump you into the ocean?
CRAIL
Yes, Garold! Were you watching us?!
EmPEROR ZART
Quiet! How can you be certain she didn't alert the authorities in her world to our location. Did you endanger our entire civilization and way of life??
Crowd gasps.
CrAIL
No! She's nice! She cares about us and our ocean, and she just wants to help. But seeing the movies and the things they do to each other, guys -- I really think we should wait it out. 
EMPEROR ZART
But we are a proud civilization! We aren't meant to hide for eternity!
GaROLD
We aren't meant to live in secrecy, being dumped over the edge of boats like trash! Our ancestors carved beautiful statutes and adorned the sea floor above us with some of the most mystifying works of art ever created. And I am the only living Atlantisian carrying on that tradition with my sculpture work! We must get back to our glory! 
CrAIL
Your sculptures suck, Garold. Why do you think everyone draws penises on them? I think the world can go a little longer without them.
OnE GUY
He's got ya there!
EMPEROR ZART
How much longer do you think the wait would be?
CrAIL
Honestly, not long. She wants for us to try to have a child because she thinks that with how the oceans are rising, the cross between our species is the only hope for them to survive. But you know, kids and all that, I'm not sure if that's my...
GAROLD
If anyone should be a representative from our species, I would humbly volunteer.
CRAIL
Yeah, I'll run that by her. I'm sure she'll be honored.
EMPEROR ZART
But just ballpark, how many years?
CRAIL
In Atlantisian years? Probably like 10?
EMPEROR ZART
That we can do. Atlantis! We will wait! Now, sentinels, seize this man. We will ensure that our species is not used to prolong the time of the humans!
CRAIL
What?! Hey! No! Get your hands off of me!!
EMPEROR ZART
Hold him steady, and we will remove his sperm ducts!
One GUY
Not a great day for your anus!
CrAIL
Wait! I don't even think I want kids! Honestly, this is a huge waste of time!
EMPEROR ZART
We will commission Garold to create a statue of your great sacrifice so that future generations will know of your great sacrifice!
CRAIL
No! Oh god no!! I was lying!! I made it up! Use your squirt guns!! You can defeat the humans!!
We hear a fish tail rapidly flapping.
CrAIL (CONT'D)
(screaming)
Ahhhhh!!! Ahhhh!!
EMPEROR ZART
And we're all done.
CRAIL
Oh. That uh ...wasn't that bad. And now I can't have kids?
EMPEROR ZART
Correct. You are forever in the debt of Atlantis!!
Cheering.
CRAIL
Huh, well, that saves me from an awkward conversation, I guess. I still hate you guys though.
GAROLD
How about a hand for Crail and his majestic sterility!
The crowd
CRAIL! CRAIL! CRAIL!
FADE OUT: